I got his hair all lathered up, then told him there's no Easter Bunny.
"No More Tears," my ass!
Shoes are just strap-on floors.
I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see.
For example, The Phantom Menace.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Doctors Close To Cure For Butthurt Disease
After decades of research and development, scientists say they are within reach of a cure for Butthurt Disease, more commonly known as BHD.
“With BHD the rectum gets so inflamed it essentially swallows the rest of the body, making that person an actual, giant asshole,” said lead researcher Doctor Yvette Diaz. “Thus, the puckered frowny-face and shitty attitude.”
According to sources at the Center for Disease Control, BHD is highly contagious and does not discriminate.
Doctors are hopeful as they enter the final stretch of clinical trials and await FDA approval.
10 Common Words With Bizarre Origins
Almost everyone is familiar with the mullet, the “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle that most people hoped would die with the career of Billy Ray Cyrus. What most people don’t know, though, is that our most common use of the word is actually the invention of The Beastie Boys.
Previously, “mullet” had been a 15th-century term for a type of fish with spiny fins, and the word is still used today to describe a fish whose head is large and flat. It wasn’t until The Beastie Boys released a song called “Mullet Head” that modern culture had a name for the hairstyle described in the lyrics as “Number one on the side and don’t touch the back / Number six on the top and don’t cut it wack.” We can add “masters of language” to the many contributions The Beastie Boys have made to society.
“Snob” is another word that has had something of a backward history. Everyone is familiar with the modern meaning, which is a person who believes they are too good to associate with certain groups or buy certain products. Long before you were decrying the beer snob in your group of friends, though, the original “snobs” were simply trying to get by.
The original meaning of “snob” was simply “shoemaker” or “apprentice shoemaker,” and it was used as slang by snooty Cambridge students in the early 18th century to describe non-students, much like modern students might call residents of their college town “townies.” By the 19th century, though, the intellectual ranks of Cambridge’s nobility were having to slum it up with the sons of wealthy merchants, and the term came to refer to these would-be social climbers. Eventually, it lost its classist connotation and became a word for anyone who acts superior regarding their position or tastes.
In a post-Freudian world, our view of nightmares is pretty tame. We think of them simply as a jumble of wacky images caused by random neurological misfires. While some, like Freud, might ascribe importance to those subconscious rumblings, we are still comforted with the knowledge that these bad dreams are far apart from the real world.
Of course, that wasn’t always the case. As early as the 13th century, the “mare” in “nightmare” referred to a goblin that was thought to come in the night and suffocate sleepers with evil thoughts. Three centuries later, the word no longer popularly referred to the goblin but to the suffocation itself. The word’s first known use as a reference to any unfortunate dreams wasn’t until 1829. Its first recorded use as a metaphor for any sufficiently distressing event or experience came two years later.
As a general rule, “tawdry” is a low word. After all, we use it to refer to gaudy clothing that seeks to look more important than it really is—essentially, the fashion of the modern snob on a budget who is putting on airs. However, this low word has high origins: a saint and the judgment of God.
St. Audrey was once the Queen of Northumbria, but she died in 679 from a tumor in her throat. She considered this to be a kind of karmic punishment for the many stylish necklaces she wore when she was younger, believing that God gave her the tumor to absolve her of her former frivolity. After she died, she was remembered by the sale of St. Audrey’s laces. These were eventually referred to simply as “tawdry laces” in the 16th century until “tawdry” became a description for anything overly ostentatious in the late 17th century.
As a word, “barbarian” has a number of connotations, most of which are negative. Very few people wish to be considered uncivilized and “barbaric.” Some are positive, including connotations of strength that owe much to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian movies. In all cases, though, it is used to refer to outsiders who don’t fit into the proper and civilized world. This goes all the way back to the origin of the word, which was coined just to make fun of foreigners.
The word can be traced back to the Greek barbarous, which specifically meant foreign, strange, and ignorant. The root word barbar came from the Greeks’mocking interpretation of foreigners’ speech, which they claimed sounded like nothing more than “bar bar bar.” This basic meaning of “someone who doesn’t speak our language” remained intact until the early 17th century, when the word was first used to refer to someone “rude” and “wild.”
“Escape” functions as both noun and verb, and we tend to use it metaphorically as much as we do literally, describing vacations, for instance, as an “escape from reality.” However, its original definition is much more physical, and much more fun. It is appropriate that “escape,” a word associated with so many stories of heroes and villains avoiding punishment, is connected to the idea of leaving only a cape behind.
Whether they know it or not, most people are familiar with the Latin ex, meaning “out of,” since we still use it in so many modern words. As a verb, “escape” comes to us by way of the 12th-century vulgar Latin excappre, which means to leave someone holding only your cape. Someone who has made an escape, then, is now “ex-cape.” It wasn’t until 1400 that the word became a noun and not until the 19th century was it used in the metaphorical sense of an escape from mental or emotional distress.
At first glance, it seems like “goodbye” is a relatively simple combination of “good” and “bye.” However, this is another word that has a surprisingly religious origin. The speaker is actually wishing God’s luck to their parting friend, giving previously casual interactions a whole new spiritual dimension.
“Goodbye” has its roots in the old prayer “God be with you” and ended up condensed primarily through the use of slang. “God be with you” as four separate and distinct words eventually became “God b’w’y,” which itself was eventually shortened to “Godbwye.” As separate phrases, people were already saying “good night” and “good day,” and it eventually made sense to say “good bye” to the person you had greeted with a “good day,” taking God out of the equation.
Jeans have often been seen as casual clothes, but they have a long history of being functional as well. To many, they represent comfort, especially for those who are working. Interestingly enough, it has always represented comfort, all the way back to the 15th-century Italian sailors who first wore them.
These sailors hailed from Genoa, a city in Italy that was the first to make denim pants. This has often been the subject of historical debate, because denim itself is a French word that comes from the phrase serge di Nimes, a reference to the city of Nimes where it was also made. While France got to claim the fabric itself, Italy got to claim the actual pants, since “jean” (later pluralized to “jeans”) was named after the French word for Genoa, Genes. Casual Friday now gives you a chance to participate in this rich part of international history.
“Fiasco” is another word that has passed through many countries to achieve its modern form. The modern word originated in 1855 as slang for failed theatrical performances, but as early as 1862, it referred to non-theatrical disasters as well. “Fiasco” comes from the French fiare fiasco, which translates to “turn out a failure.” The French phrase is itself derived from the Italian far fiasco, which originally meant “make a bottle.”
If you’re confused about what bottle-making has to do with disasters, you’re not alone. There are two prevailing theories about the connection between the phrases. One is that glass crafters in Venice periodically discarded pieces that weren’t perfect. The only thing they were good for was to “make a bottle,” which is why “fiasco” took on its meaning as a reference to failure. Another theory claims that the Italian phrase fare il fiasco referred to the loser of a game who had to buy the next drink, who was said to “make a bottle” appear.
Fans of both Shakespeare and John Green know about the classic idea of “the fault in our stars,” which is the notion of fate being written in the heavens and dictating the actions of characters such as star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet. The common word “disaster” comes from this medieval idea.
“Disaster” is a combination of the word “dis,” which typically means “unfortunate” or “lacking,” and “astro,” which refers to either a star or planet. This conveys astrological connotations of something bad happening because of the position of a certain star or planet. While “disaster” has long since come to mean any large calamity, it is interesting how the ideas behind the original meaning persist, from the ongoing popularity of horoscopes to the song “Born Under a Bad Sign.”
Issue of the Times;
Immigrants Who Skipped Work To Support Immigration Became Upset When Subsequently Fired
In a move of solidarity, the left (those of them with employment, that is) decided to not work last Thursday in something called “A Day Without Immigrants.” Purportedly to make the economy take a small hit for a day and make us feel the absence of immigrants, their families, and their sympathizers financially, it was supposed to make us have a higher value in our minds of them.
Problem is, some people got the sack for walking off the job, other people just got pissed off when they had to cover for their activist coworkers, and the rest of us just didn’t notice. Today, we’re going to talk about why this Day Without Immigrants is not only not the right thinking for the leftists to be having, but why it is precisely the wrong thinking as well.
Skipping work to protest
Among the participants in this day without immigrants were 18 employees of a painting company in Nashville, TN. They informed their supervisors that they would be skipping work to do the protesting, and the company informed them that they were fired. One fired worker was upset that they were not allowed to remain employed and make up the work on a Sunday.
Knowing that the above wishes are not exactly how the business world works, the company responded that, nothing doing with peaceful protesting, the 18 employees decided to not meet their obligations to the business’s clients, and, in the interest of fairness to the employees that actually showed up to work, they had to be terminated.
This fundamental lack of common understanding that these people who skipped work to protest, and the left, especially the young left, have showcases a misconception that they have about the rest of us.
No one here has a problem with immigration
The left delights in the use of straw men arguments. I think the reasoning behind it is twofold; firstly, much of the left’s arguments make no sense at all, so they have to find something easier to defend, and, secondly, bearing that in mind, it is the party of the intellectually weak.
The straw man at play here is that “the right, the rich, the whites, the Christians, and the men” hate immigrants because they are something different; i.e. liberal, poor, brown, Muslim, or a woman and that ALL immigrants are equally hated regardless of their immigration status.
This is done by focusing on the demographics of the individuals in question at the moment, instead of more important things like their ethics and underlying motivation, and also by blurring the conversation via biased language like “undocumented immigrant,” which implies that this person, here illegally, is actually a great person who is immigrating legally; it’s just that the paperwork got delayed, instead an “illegal alien,” which is what the actual term for the legal status of the person is.
This country was founded on immigrants. My great-grandparents took the boat through Ellis Island and became citizens by not only swearing an oath to the USA, but also against their native country. They came here legally, through due process, wanted to become Americans, did so, and lived law abiding, productive lives afterwards. Millions of Americans have the same stories.
What we do have a problem with is “Dash-Americanism” and Illegal Entry
Ever notice how no one is just an American anymore? African Americans, Islamic Americans, Latin Americans, Asian Americans? Seems like the only actual Americans are white people; the terms Caucasian American and European American never took off, and Appalachian American just translates to redneck.
You don’t need a cool term to be different, anyone can see where you’re from by what you look like, and I thought equality meant that it didn’t matter anyway. The problem with all this is divided loyalty; I’m going to quote Teddy “Big Stick” Roosevelt here:
There is no room in this country for hyphenated Americanism. When I refer to hyphenated Americans, I do not refer to naturalized Americans. Some of the very best Americans I have ever known were naturalized Americans, Americans born abroad. But a hyphenated American is not an American at all … The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, of preventing all possibility of its continuing to be a nation at all, would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities, an intricate knot of German-Americans, Irish-Americans, English-Americans, French-Americans, Scandinavian-Americans or Italian-Americans, each preserving its separate nationality, each at heart feeling more sympathy with Europeans of that nationality, than with the other citizens of the American Republic … There is no such thing as a hyphenated American who is a good American. The only man who is a good American is the man who is an American and nothing else.
The problem with “dash-Americanism” is that you can’t totally be trusted. This works on a micro- and a macro- scale. Micro- would be when you have a complaint at work and the HR person and the complainer are the same race while you are a different one and the outcome is affected by that. Or when someone is not a permanent citizen and send their paycheck home to their families in their home country. Macro- would be when an entire people start moving here and are united by a common creed or religion and consider you the enemy.
The other problem is illegal entry. If you are already a criminal by breaking laws to come here, even though you may have rationalized it as the right thing to do, what’s to stop you from breaking more laws? The citizenship process is not onerous, people have been doing it for years. One must presume that illegals are either hiding criminal backgrounds, have no valuable skills, or don’t want to pay taxes.
Missing work shows your true colors
The problem with arbitrarily taking a day off, even if you used a vacation day (and I bet most of them just skipped work) is not that you are showing solidarity with the immigrants, it’s that you’re showing your ass to your coworkers and employers.
I didn’t notice much because I was on a deadline for a technical document, but my employer got hit by people just being “peace, I’m out!” and skipping a day. Building cars is a team activity, and we plan for only a certain percentage to take vacation at a time, plus factor in for people being legitimately ill and out because of it.
The statement that taking off from work and leaving your coworkers to struggle to get the job done says that you care more about “dash-Americans” than Americans en total, and also that you have no problem breaking the rules when you see fit while expecting no consequences to come to you. If that sounds like the problem that the rest of America already has with the “immigrant issue,” that I described above; it’s because it is. You signed up to do a job; no one cares about your ancestry; you bailed on your people; get fired.
America’s standards haven’t changed. We want good immigrants who will be loyal to the country, law abiding, and productive. It’s cool to hold onto your roots, but you have to leave militant Islam, La Raza, or whatever sort of third world trouble you have behind, because if you don’t, it’s not America not giving you a fair deal—it’s you not giving us one.
Quote of the Times;
"The hell you can't. Because we did it. These Muslims are no different than the [Imperial] Japanese. The Japs had their suicide bombers too, but we stopped them. What it takes is the resolve and will to use a level of brutality and violence that your generations can't stomach. Until you can, this Shit won't stop. It took us on the beaches with bullets, clearing out caves with flame throwers, and men like Curtis LeMay burning down their cities, and killing people by the tens of thousands. It even took two atom bombs on top of that. But if that was what it took to win we were willing to do it. Until you are willing to do the same, well I hope you enjoy this Shit, because it ain't going to stop."
- Quote from a WWII veteran after hearing a Liberal say, "You can't bomb an ideology."
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