No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
President Reagan’s two best communist jokes:
…you know there is a ten year delay in the Soviet Union for the delivery of an automobile. And only one out of seven families in the Soviet Union own automobiles. There is a 10 year wait, and you go through quite a process when you are ready to buy, and then you put up the money in advance.
This man laid down the money, and the fellow in charge said to him: Come back in 10 years and get your car.
The man answered: Morning or afternoon?
And the fellow behind the counter said: Ten years from now, what difference does it make?
And he said: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
And another one:
…the story about the two fellows in the Soviet Union who were walking down the street and one of them says: Have we really achieved full communism? Is this it? Is this now full communism?
The other one said: Oh no, things are gonna get a lot worse.
MANBIJ, Syria — A raid by the U.S. Army’s secretive Delta Force was nearly aborted when an operator discovered endangered Apollo Swallowtail butterflies, sources confirmed today.
Details about the intent of the mission were not disclosed through official channels, but sources said the elite team was hunting an ISIS commander when one soldier called for the team to stop.
“I got two white swallowtails, could be endangered,” the operator said, according to sources.
The sighting reportedly sent shockwaves throughout U.S. Special Operations Command, which culminated in JSOC commander Lt. Gen. General Austin S. Miller being roused from bed at 3:45 a.m. to oversee the mission himself. Sources confirmed that the war room atmosphere was extremely tense, with passions flaring.
“I thought this fucking environmental impact intel was good!” Miller reportedly shouted at CIA Director Gina Haspel during a phone call. “We’ve got a potential butterfly massacre out there, and my boys are right in the middle of it!”
On the ground, operators were able to confirm that the butterflies were Apollo Swallowtails, which are classified as “vulnerable” by the International Union for Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources, according to officials. Gen. Miller immediately called an emergency meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff to discuss the implications of the development, which led the Pentagon to officially deny all knowledge of the mission.
“Cut the satellite feed,” Miller ordered, according to a source who was present. “And may God have mercy on their souls.”
After almost 30 minutes of attempting to reach tactical command via satellite radio, the Delta team leader ordered his men to fashion signs indicating that the area was off-limits for ISIS training, according to the citation of the action, which was recommended for consideration for the Medal of Honor.
“While engaged in security operations, [redacted name] showed conspicuous gallantry by risking his own life and the lives of his team to draw attention to the waning splendor of God’s creation, which man, blinded by ambition and avarice, degrades and destroys with wanton cruelty,” the recommendation read.
After making sure that the signs were clear and legible, the team rerouted around the field to the target house, but due to lack of concealment, they were spotted during their approach. According to a footnote on the Medal of Honor recommendation, four Delta operators were killed.
Next time I go back to that biker bar, I'm bringing my friends along to help me out.
Sure, they might laugh at *one*, but I bet those chain-swinging morons would
cower before *three* Jedi knights.
Bidding for various objects was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry :
"Two Thousand Five Hundred."
Issue of the Times;
The 30 Best Thomas Sowell Quotes
Thomas Sowell is a prolific author and brilliant economist and he is about as good at distilling conservative wisdom into pithy quotes as anyone you will ever read. If you think there’s not enough extraordinary brilliance left in the world, let me introduce you to Thomas Sowell, one of the greatest minds of our generation….
30. “The problem isn’t that Johnny can’t read. The problem isn’t even that Johnny can’t think. The problem is that Johnny doesn’t know what thinking is; he confuses it with feeling.”
29. “One of the consequences of such notions as ‘entitlements’ is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.”
28. “Each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.”
27. "Virtually no idea is too ridiculous to be accepted, even by very intelligent and highly educated people, if it provides a way for them to feel special and important. Some confuse that feeling with idealism."
26. "I wonder what radical feminists make of the fact that it was men who created the rule of 'women and children first' when it came to rescuing people from life-threatening emergencies.”
25. “The word ‘racism’ is like ketchup. It can be put on practically anything — and demanding evidence makes you a ‘racist.’”
24. “To believe in personal responsibility would be to destroy the whole special role of the anointed, whose vision casts them in the role of rescuers of people treated unfairly by ‘society.’”
23. “What sense would it make to classify a man as handicapped because he is in a wheelchair today, if he is expected to be walking again in a month and competing in track meets before the year is out? Yet Americans are given ‘class’ labels on the basis of their transient location in the income stream. If most Americans do not stay in the same broad income bracket for even a decade, their repeatedly changing ‘class’ makes class itself a nebulous concept.”
22. "There is much discussion of the haves and the have-nots, but very little discussion of the doers and the do-nots, those who contribute and those who merely take."
21. "It would be hard to think of a more ridiculous way to make decisions than to transfer those decisions to third parties who pay no price for being wrong. Yet that is what at least half of the bright ideas of the political left amount to."
20. "When you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear. People with careers as ethnic leaders usually tell their followers what they want to hear."
19. "'We are a nation of immigrants,' we are constantly reminded. We are also a nation of people with ten fingers and ten toes. Does that mean that anyone who has ten fingers and ten toes should be welcomed and given American citizenship?"
18. “It is amazing how many people think that the government's role is to give them what they want by overriding what other people want.”
17. “Those who cry out that the government should 'do something' never even ask for data on what has actually happened when the government did something, compared to what actually happened when the government did nothing.”
16. “Four things have almost invariably followed the imposition of controls to keep prices below the level they would reach under supply and demand in a free market: (1) increased use of the product or service whose price is controlled, (2) Reduced supply of the same product or service, (3) quality deterioration, (4) black markets.”
15. “Much of the social history of the Western world, over the past three decades, has been a history of replacing what worked with what sounded good.”
14. “Weighing benefits against costs is the way most people make decisions – and the way most businesses make decisions, if they want to stay in business. Only in government is any benefit, however small, considered to be worth any cost, however large.”
13. “Considering how often throughout history even intelligent people have been proved to be wrong, it is amazing that there are still people who are convinced that the only reason anyone could possibly say something different from what they believe is stupidity or dishonesty.”
12. "Since this is an era when many people are concerned about 'fairness' and 'social justice,' what is your 'fair share' of what someone else has worked for?"
11. "For the anointed, traditions are likely to be seen as the dead hand of the past, relics of a less enlightened age, and not as the distilled experience of millions who faced similar human vicissitudes before."
10. "It is amazing how many of the intelligentsia call it 'greed' to want to keep what you have earned, but not greed to want to take away what somebody else has earned, and let politicians use it to buy votes."
9. “If you cannot achieve equality of performance among people born to the same parents and raised under the same roof, how realistic is it to expect to achieve it across broader and deeper social divisions?”
8. "It is amazing how many people think that they can answer an argument by attributing bad motives to those who disagree with them. Using this kind of reasoning, you can believe or not believe anything about anything, without having to bother to deal with facts or logic."
7. “Experience trumps brilliance.”
6. “There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs.”
5. "There are few modest talents so richly rewarded — especially in politics and the media — as the ability to portray parasites as victims, and portray demands for preferential treatment as struggles for equal rights."
4. “In short, killing the goose that lays the golden egg is a viable political strategy, so long as the goose does not die before the next election and no one traces the politicians’ fingerprints on the murder weapon.”
3. ”The charge is often made against the intelligentsia and other members of the anointed that their theories and the policies based on them lack common sense. But the very commonness of common sense makes it unlikely to have any appeal to the anointed. How can they be wiser and nobler than everyone else while agreeing with everyone else?”
2. “No one will really understand politics until they understand that politicians are not trying to solve our problems. They are trying to solve their own problems – of which getting elected and re-elected are number one and number two. Whatever is number three is far behind.”
1. “There are no solutions; there are only trade-offs.”
Quote of the Times;
“You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you.” – Trotsky
Link of the Times;