discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you
do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look
for a house sharing situation with three other single or
widowed women who might be a little younger than herself,
since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
I just realized capslock can be an anagram for cockslap. Which makes me wonder if that's how should feel after getting "yelled" at on the internet.
I wonder if we'll ever run out of dinosaurs to dig up.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman or Iron Man.
Hands have four fingers and fore fingers.
Shoe stores should keep a slightly used pair of each of their shoes so people can see how they will fit after it's been broken in.
The word plebian isn't plebian.
Morty Applebaum had a very unpleasant appointment scheduled with an IRS auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Applabaum, we feel that it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Oy, thank God," said Morty with a sigh of relief. "I thought you were going to want cash."
Army struggling to come up with more offensive cadences
FORT BENNING, Ga. – Given the current American craze of getting and staying offended, key leaders in the Army are worried that Jody calls are losing their offensive edge by not keeping up with new offensive words and concepts, sources confirmed today.
“In my day, Jody calls were the most offensive fucking words I could wheeze out during a 10-minute mile platoon run,” said Army Drill Sgt. Bert Michaels. “These new recruits have a completely different tolerance for offense.”
Michaels explained that new recruits aren’t automatically offended by the kind of swearing and sexual talk they’ve been hearing on TV since they were kids. He says that now the best new cadences focus on liberals, cucks, income inequality, and vaccines.
“Drill Sgt. Called out ‘Eskimo Pussy’ just to see what we’d do,” one recruit told reporters, on condition of anonymity. “We were all like, ‘is that one of the President’s songs? I wasn’t offended at all.”
“To get a group really heated up, I used to call their mothers transvestites,” Michaels said. “The last time I did that, the recruit just asked me what her preferred pronoun would be and if she was pre- or post-op. He asked for permission to send her a goddamn card congratulating her. Now, if I really want to cause some emotional stress, I tell them that some of their peers want free college.”
The most popular new cadence of the year includes, “The Army Colors,” which now includes verses for red “to show the world we’re conservative,” blue “to show the world we’re gender fluid too” and green “to just say no to refugees.”
When one Special Troops Battalion tried the new cadence, three equal opportunity complaints were filed within 24 hours — the highest in two decades.
Meanwhile at Fort Bragg, the 75th Ranger Regiment is trying out “I hate women and so should you/especially the ones that can do what we do.” The only female assigned to the unit yawned and expressed that it wasn’t the worst micro-aggression she’d seen that day.
“I just called this whole basic training platoon snowflakes,” said Michaels. “They were fuming. It was the angriest I’ve ever seen them. Half of them were upset for being called liberals, and the other half were upset because I appropriated a term that originated during the abolitionist movement for my own modern agenda. I’d say it was a win-win.”
The worst part about working at the tattoo parlor?
It's way too easy to put off looking for Post-Its.
Issue of the Times;
Ending Gender Discrimination in Professional Sports by Jim Goad
The current year is 2018, people, so why are we still segregating male and female athletes? Don’t they know that gender is a social construct and everyone’s equal?
Legendarily ill-tempered tennis champ John McEnroe outraged gender-deniers across the planet when he said that black female tennis champeen Serena Williams was not the world’s best tennis player. He said she’s the best female tennis player of all time, but that was not enough to appease the rabid egalitotalitarian hordes.
The now-infamous (if entirely reasonable) exchange happened between McEnroe and Lulu Garcia-Navarro of NPR:
Garcia-Navarro: Let’s talk about Serena Williams. You say she is the best female player in the world in the book.
McEnroe: Best female player ever—no question.
Garcia-Navarro: Some wouldn’t qualify it, some would say she’s the best player in the world. Why qualify it?
McEnroe: Oh! Uh, she’s not, you mean, the best player in the world, period?
Garcia-Navarro: Yeah, the best tennis player in the world. You know, why say female player?
McEnroe: Well because if she was in, if she played the men’s circuit she’d be like 700 in the world.
Naturally, the pro-fem harpies began yipping like the spoiled Chihuahuas that they are. This was a horrible comment, they said—undeniably “sexist,” and also probably at the very least a little bit racist.
Never mind whether it was factual or not.
In 2015 at age 56, McEnroe told talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel that he could possibly still beat Williams, who was then 33, in a tennis match but added that she’d cream him in a boxing ring. He also said that around the year 2000, Donald Trump offered him money to play Williams in a “Battle of the Sexes,” but he balked because it wasn’t enough money.
Four years ago, Williams told David Letterman that she wouldn’t play an exhibition match against male champion Andy Murray because he’s a boy and she’s a girl:
For me, men’s tennis and women’s tennis are completely, almost, two separate sports. If I were to play Andy Murray, I would lose 6-0, 6-0 in five to six minutes, maybe 10 minutes. No, it’s true. It’s a completely different sport. The men are a lot faster and they serve harder, they hit harder, it’s just a different game. I love to play women’s tennis. I only want to play girls, because I don’t want to be embarrassed.
Perhaps she’d learned her lesson when she and her sister Venus—both of whom have been repeated world champions—bragged back in 1998 that they could beat any male player ranked under the world’s top 200. At the Australian Open, a male German player named Karsten Braasch—who was ranked #203 in the world at the time—took the bait and challenged both sisters. He allegedly played them after finishing a round of golf and drinking two beers. He beat Serena Williams 6-1 and her sister Venus 6-2. The Williams sisters then downgraded their boast and claimed they could beat any man ranked outside the top 350.
But late-stage egalitarianism is a form of mass insanity, and there still remain true believers and nutjob misfits who insist that women can do everything a man can do except when it comes to being innately evil. In that case, men corner the market.
In the 2009 book Playing with the Boys: Why Separate is not Equal in Sports, two female authors argue that the only reason women appear to be athletically inferior to men is that society unfairly segregates them due to outmoded patriarchal beliefs. An exceedingly dumb 2013 article in VICE magazine says the idea that boys are better athletes than girls is “fucking bullshit” and that the “games are rigged.” Naturally, there is no statistical evidence to buttress this non-argument, only the usual frothing about sexism and patriarchy and what impenitent assholes men are.
In a 2005 book called Genetic Technology and Sport, authors Claudio Tamburrini and Torbjorn Tannsjo make a bold and potentially humiliating proposition for the gender-equality fanatics:
The present authors have questioned the practise of sexual discrimination in sport. We have argued that it should be abolished. Women and men should compete against one another on equal terms on sport arenas. The reasons for giving up sexual discrimination within sports, and for allowing individuals of both sexes to compete with each other is simple. In sports it is crucial that the best person wins. Then sexual differences are simply irrelevant.
Hmm, what might happen if the Athletic Gender Wall were to be razed?
Seeing as how the women’s world record for the 100M dash—which has held steady for 29 years as of this writing—is routinely bested by high-school boys, it wouldn’t be pretty for the ladies. When it comes to running or swimming or any athletic feat that is timed, “the mean ratio from men’s over women’s world records was .90.” This is why the women’s world record for the 400M swimming medley is a pitiful 26 seconds beyond Michael Phelps’s world record for men. It’s also why female marathon winners plod behind male winners at anywhere from 12 to 15 minutes on average.
When one considers that average female upper-body strength is about 52% of men’s and 66% when it comes to lower-body strength, it doesn’t bode well for any female athlete wishing to compete against males in tasks that require brute force.
In a desperately flailing attempt to compensate, the equality loons will toss “trans women”—in other words, men who pretend they’re women—into the mix. There are multiple cases of “trans women” destroying natural-born women in sporting events, but I’ve never heard of a “trans man” coming anywhere close to setting a men’s world record in sports.
To my knowledge, the only sports where female athletes achieve something resembling parity with men are equestrian events—but that’s cheating, since the main “athlete” is the horse.
Late-stage leftist egalitarianism is a psychosis and must be mocked as such. Leftists pretend as if “self-esteem” is all that’s needed to trump biology. But if female athletes wish to maintain even a semblance of self-esteem, they should only compete against other girls. Otherwise, expect a lot of crying.
Even Serena Williams realizes this, despite all the pearl-clutching, vapor-sniffing dupes who get offended on her behalf.
This leaves everyone with a choice—you can either believe in equality, or you can believe in reality.
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You want to know who is enslaved in society, look at who’s not allowed to get angry.
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