After years of retooling because “counterinsurgency is all that matters,” the Army abruptly launched a recent plan for a “Pacific pivot,” much to the annoyance of the Department of the Navy.
“It’s like he just saw how shiny and nice Thailand is and wanted to send troops there to get in trouble for murdering transexuals. Doesn’t he already have enough soldiers in South Korea getting drunk and being arrested?” said the Department of the Navy.
Failing to get enough attention from the general U.S. populace and his weird Uncle Sam that may or may not have touched his budget in the closet, the Army decided to put more troops in Europe to prepare for a major land war that will “totally happen one day,” according to the Army.
Sources indicate Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has privately told aides “the Army is already bored with Europe again and wants to make homeland coastal defense its mission,” as it was over 100 years ago.
Doctors at Walter Reed tell the Army’s ADHD is so bad that it can’t even be bothered to acknowledge the Coast Guard, whose existence is entirely based on coastal defense and volleyball matches.
Anonymous sources in the Secretary of Defense’s office have hinted that the Army may have already lost its motivation for coastal defense and has begun talking about returning to Iraq to fight another counterinsurgency mission, which is “the most important mission ever,” according to the Army.
A Irishman went to the doctors with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet, The doctor asked "What happened paddy?"
Paddy replied "I was opening a Christmas pudding, It said on the packet 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water' "
Facts About the Human Body
1. It's possible for your body to survive without a surprisingly large fraction of its internal organs. Even if you lose your stomach, your spleen, 75% of your liver, 80% of your intestines, one kidney, one lung, and virtually every organ from your pelvic and groin area, you wouldn't be very healthy, but you would live.
2. During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools. Actually, saliva is more important than you realize. If your saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
3. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. The egg is actually the only cell in the body that is visible by the naked eye.
4. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue and the hardest bone is the jawbone.
5. Human feet have 52 bones, accounting for one quarter of all the human body's bones.
6. Feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day.
7. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. The reason it doesn't eat away at your stomach is that the cells of your stomach wall renew themselves so frequently that you get a new stomach lining every three to four days.
8. The human lungs contain approximately 2,400 kilometres (1,500 mi) of airways and 300 to 500 million hollow cavities, having a total surface area of about 70 square meters, roughly the same area as one side of a tennis court. Furthermore, if all of the capillaries that surround the lung cavities were unwound and laid end to end, they would extend for about 992 kilometres. Also, your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
9. Sneezes regularly exceed 100 mph, while coughs clock in at about 60 mph. (Oh darn it, just sneezed; now rest of me is stuck on other wall.) Ha Ha.
10. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
11. Your body has enough iron in it to make a nail three inches long.
12. Earwax production is necessary for good ear health. It protects the delicate inner ear from bacteria, fungus, dirt and even insects. It also cleans and lubricates the ear canal.
13. Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same.
14. Your teeth start growing six months before you are born. This is why one out of every 2,000 newborn infants has a tooth when they are born
15. A baby's head is one-quarter of its total length, but by the age of 25 will only be one-eighth of its total length. This is because people's heads grow at a much slower rate than the rest of their bodies.
16. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number is reduced to 206. Some of the bones, like skull bones, get fused into each other, bringing down the total number.
17. It's not possible to tickle yourself. This is because when you attempt to tickle yourself you are totally aware of the exact time and manner in which the tickling will occur, unlike when someone else tickles you.
18. Less than one third of the human race has 20-20 vision. This means that two out of three people cannot see perfectly.
19. Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents. But if you are a woman, you are a better smeller than men, and will remain a better smeller throughout your life.
20. The human body is estimated to have 60,000 miles of blood vessels.
21. The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants. Scientists have no idea why this is so, but attribute it to the growing imbalance of hormones in the body during pregnancy.
22. The life span of a human hair is 3 to 7 years on average. Every day the average person loses 60-100 strands of hair. But don't worry; you must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone.
23. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopedia. Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water. Though it interprets pain signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot feel pain.
24. The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself.
25. Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.
26. By 60 years of age, 60% of men and 40% of women will snore.
27. We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening, because during normal activities during the day, the cartilage in our knees and other areas slowly compress.
28. The brain operates on the same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb, even while you are sleeping. In fact, the brain is much more active at night than during the day.
29. Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. Neurons continue to grow throughout human life. Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons.
30. It is a fact that people who dream more often and more vividly, on an average have a higher Intelligence Quotient.
31. The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
32. Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body. This is true for men as well as women.
33. There are as many hairs per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee.
34. A human fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.
35. By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds.
36. About 32 million bacteria call every inch of your skin home. But don't worry, a majority of these are harmless or even helpful bacteria.
37. The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
38. Human lips have a reddish color because of the great concentration of tiny capillaries just below the skin.
39. Three hundred million cells die in the human body every minute.
40. Like fingerprints, every individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for identification.
41. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been decapitated.
42. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.
43. Humans can make do longer without food than sleep. Provided there is water, the average human could survive a month to two months without food depending on their body fat and other factors. Sleep deprived people, however, start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes after only a few sleepless days. The longest recorded time anyone has ever gone without sleep is 11 days, at the end of which the experimenter was awake, but stumbled over words, hallucinated and frequently forgot what he was doing.
44. The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, A-H or Bombay blood, due to the location of its discovery, has been found in less than one hundred people since it was discovered
45. Every human spent about half an hour, after being conceived, as a single cell. Shortly afterward, the cells begin rapidly dividing and begin forming the components of a tiny embryo.
46. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
47. Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
48. Koalas and primates are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
49. Humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears.
50. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet in the air.
Here is one more amazing thing the human body can do: If you remove half of your liver, it will grow back to the same size (it has memory) within four to six weeks. If half of your liver is transplanted into another person, that half a liver will grow back to the same size as the donor’s liver in six to eight weeks in the recipient.
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine Christmas meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.
"Do you recall," he asked the waiter pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"
"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree.
"How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
Issue of the Times;
Millennials Exemplify The Age Of All Equal, All Useless
It is great that most millennials are such pussies. It offers many opportunities to the rest of us, including the well-paying jobs and getting with the most attractive women with little to no effort. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, except the fish are already dead.
Some competition from time to time keeps us on our toes. However, competition is just non-existence in our post-modern ironic western society because it has been eliminated in favor of apathetic equality. It is a race to the bottom. Deconstruction, irony, and post-modernism is to thank for this. The evolution of winners over losers is pure nonsense to millennials. The “enlightened” mass has figured everything out by marginalizing all that was once great, as if thousands and thousands of years of evolution are reversed with their college degrees in sociology and their mind-blowing master’s thesis on why Star Trek is overtly homophobic.
Do these dumb kids realize the debt of this country is $18 trillion dollars and growing? Does anyone care?
This post-modern deconstruction mentality leads us to our current age of “all equal and all useless,” with no one rising above the herd and reaching the status of “Ubermensch.” Struggle and competition is viewed as arrogant and downright wrong. The truth is that competition and struggle builds character, individuality, and personality. The millennials’ final solution is to deconstruct everything to the point of pointless ridicule in an orgy of failure and lazy self-pity.
Competition hurts feelings, so it must be destroyed. It is frivolous mass thinking. Kant observed this mass thinking years ago in “What is enlightenment?” and made excellent remarks on individualism. Most still don’t get the idea. Emotions are shared by all as one homogenized docile culture without individuality, edge, aggression, or risk; all things that made the U.S great. We live in a castrated culture, and nothing good can come of this.
As David Foster Wallace observed years ago:
Irony’s useful for debunking illusions, but most of the illusion-debunking in the U.S. has now been done and redone…Postmodern irony and cynicism’s become an end in itself, a measure of hip sophistication and literary savvy. Few artists dare to try to talk about ways of working toward redeeming what’s wrong, because they’ll look sentimental and naive to all the weary ironists. Irony’s gone from liberating to enslaving. There’s some great essay somewhere that has a line about irony being the song of the prisoner who’s come to love his cage.
The problem is that, however misprised it’s been, what’s been passed down from the postmodern heyday is sarcasm, cynicism, a manic ennui, suspicion of all authority, suspicion of all constraints on conduct, and a terrible penchant for ironic diagnosis of unpleasantness instead of an ambition not just to diagnose and ridicule but to redeem. You’ve got to understand that this stuff has permeated the culture. It’s become our language; we’re so in it we don’t even see that it’s one perspective, one among many possible ways of seeing. Postmodern irony’s become our environment.
All U.S. irony is based on an implicit “I don’t really mean what I say.” So what does irony as a cultural norm mean to say? That it’s impossible to mean what you say? That maybe it’s too bad it’s impossible, but wake up and smell the coffee already? Most likely, I think, today’s irony ends up saying: “How very banal to ask what I mean.” Anyone with the heretical gall to ask an ironist what he actually stands for ends up looking like a hysteric or a prig. And herein lies the oppressiveness of institutionalized irony, the too-successful rebel: the ability to interdict the question without attending to its content is tyranny. It is the new junta, using the very tool that exposed its enemy to insulate itself.
Real rebels, as far as I can see, risk disapproval. The old postmodern insurgents risked the gasp and squeal: shock, disgust, outrage, censorship, accusations of socialism, anarchism, nihilism. Today’s risks are different.
What we have left with this ironic deconstruction is emasculated juvenile 30-something millennials busy fingerpainting and drawing pictures as if they were five years old and pursuing their careers in “music” and video games. As Wallace observed several years ago, this all has been “done and redone” ad nauseam. These are childish behaviors that should have been abandoned years ago.
Millennials inherit this from the painfully tolerant hippie generation (their arrested development parents) while dodging any real adult responsibility. Millennials and the conformist hippies of yesteryear both believe in impulsive hedonistic nihilism and “living for the moment” with little understanding of struggle, morals, and self-responsibility.
The millennials have little ability to compete and strive to do their best. They don’t want to experience the downs, they only want to experience the ups; the highs. Working towards goals can take years and years of self-discipline and sacrifice, going through a vicious cycle of sadness, happiness, failure, and finally victory. To put it simply, it can be tough work, and they don’t want it.
Millennials want immediate gratification, and they seek impulsive behavior. They even feel entitled to such things. If they do not get what they seek, they see no point in trying. Most represent a lost tribe of self-righteous, ill-mannered pricks. They respect nothing but their own delusional belief of “progress.” Anything seen as constructive, polite, traditional, or sincere in their eyes is immediately ridiculed and attacked.
The Rude Awakening
With the failure of their messiah, Obama, and his faux utopia along with the rude awakening from crushing student debt, perhaps this generation will reverse their thinking. Perhaps the recent election of conservatives sweeping the political realm is symbolic start of this? I remain skeptical, but who knows. I guess it’s possible that this generation could start to view their outdated post-modern beliefs and change the course of this generation.
Ironically, this generation is in the perfect position to do so. They have been through the necessary (yet outdated) deconstruction, ironic post-modernism, and have seen everything both positive and negative. With a knowledge of history’s mistakes, they could make the “greatest generation” look like child’s play.
However, I am highly skeptical much will change with this docile generation. One just has to look at the bright side of this—for the rest of us mature male adults, everything is for the taking. Opportunity is endless to those willing to step up to the plate and take what is rightfully theirs. The competition has never been so dead-minded.
Quote of the Times;
“True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.” – Socrates
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