"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "However I rounded them up."
Without further ado, I am proud to present Milo’s MTV reboots:
Daria bin Laden -- Daria was a lesbian icon, a proto-SJW without the bad dye job. Why not bring her back as the ultimate Muslim cartoon character? Costs would be low: Daria and the other key female characters would be in burkas the whole time. Daria could go on amazing adventures, like praising the stoning of women and telling ignorant American characters how important female genital mutilation is to her culture. The whole first season could be about her arranged marriage. This show practically writes itself! I would have to make sure that Daria’s best friend Jane Lane dies in an honor killing, because I always hated that bitch.
Pimp My Ride: Da’esh Edition -- There is a whole army of ISIS heartthrobs riding around in plain white Toyota trucks paid for by the CIA, or whoever. But you can’t be a stylish terrorist in a factory fresh pickup, so MTV is going to help you pimp your ride! Yes, the format is the same, there will still be the requisite, “Yo dawg, we heard you like weapons, so we added forward and rear-facing machine guns.” Not only will every episode be heartwarming as a Jihadist gets the terror platform of their dreams, western audiences will pick up useful armor tips for driving around danger zones like Columbus, Ohio, Dearborn, Michigan and of course Chiraq.
MTV Uneaten -- The acoustic concert program MTV Unplugged can’t return in its original form, because there just isn’t enough decent SJW talent. So MTV Unplugged will now be MTV Uneaten, featuring obese feminists gorging themselves half to death, live on TV, to the sympathetic cooing of the presenters. Each week will feature a different cuisine — or, as is more likely, pizza joint — and the larger-than-life ladies will eat and drink their fill in between complimenting each other’s health as women of size, and of course their amazing bravery.
Viva La BLM -- Bam Margera doesn’t fit with the new MTV. He’s too white, and too male. Viva La Bam will return as the network’s flagship show about Black Lives Matter. The crew will pull hilarious pranks like threatening police officers, burning down the local 7-Eleven, stealing plasma TVs and making life hell for other black people. One problem here will be pinning down the cast, Black Lives Matter leaders are notorious for disappearing as soon as accountability comes around. But the network people can work out these little details — that’s why they make the big bucks. Besides, it’s not like BLM is lacking in braindead frauds and attention-seekers. Shaun King and Deray were made for reality TV.
The Real SJW World -- The Real World was MTV’s original reality series, combining a cast of strangers that fit into convenient character types in an early effort to brainwash young adults. It needs rebooting to include a cast that’s strictly progressive. Imagine the fireworks when the whole house competes to be the biggest victim! What better chance to show how tolerant Europe has become by a group of genderqueers visiting the “jungle” in Calais — or staging a gay pride parade outside a mosque in Paris? I suppose you can have a white straight male in the house, but only as the requisite villain who gets lynched in the second episode. Of course MTV will be limited to seasons in a few cities like San Francisco, but I’d still watch it.
Beavis and Butthead -- Mike Judge’s beloved metalheads will be the only classic MTV show to come back more or less true to the original material. This is MTV’s opportunity to continue mocking white males — the whole point of their YouTube tips video. The existing fanbase will love it, and SJWs can watch it ironically to remember just how evil white males are on days they don’t leave the echo chamber. At the end of the first season, MTV can join the newest liberal cause of making pedophiles cool and acceptable people by including a plotline in which Beavis and Butt-head separately have love affairs with male teachers
“Ryan Reynolds” sounds a lot like a Stan Lee character.
If we pop bubble wrap made in China, the air that comes out is from China.
If I had a PhD, I’d buy takeout a lot, and when it got to me I’d say “this is just what the doctor ordered.”
I think the Wicked Witch kept the flying monkeys around to mask her terrible smell since she could never shower.
Somewhere, there’s a 50-year-old billionaire whose future trophy wife hasn’t even born yet.
Rap songs that reference dollar values won’t adjust for inflation and the references will sound cheaper over time.
When you’re criticized for being short, they’re really just saying the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
The most frustrating part about barricading yourself in your home and having an armed standoff with police is that when you call for pizza delivery, they never show up!
You'd think the place would be easy enough to find, what with the flashing lights and all those cops to provide directions.
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
Issue of the Times;
Just a quick reminder: the Federal Reserve is Almost Insolvent by Simon Black
September 10, 2008 was one of the last “normal” days in the world of banking and finance. That afternoon, the US Federal Reserve published its routine, weekly balance sheet report, indicating that the central bank had total assets worth around $925 billion. Just a few days later, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, kicking off the most severe economic crisis since the Great Depression. And almost immediately the Fed launched a series of unprecedented measures in a desperate attempt to contain the damage. They called it “Quantitative Easing”, which was a fancy way of saying the Federal Reserve was printing money and giving it to the banks and US government. When the commercial banks needed to sell their non-performing toxic assets, the Fed printed money to buy that garbage. When the US government needed to borrow trillions of dollars to bail out failing companies, the Fed printed money and loaned it to Uncle Sam.
By January 2015, the size of the Fed’s balance sheet had more than quadrupled to $4.5 trillion. It was an astonishing increase; the Fed had essentially conjured more than 3.5 trillion dollars out of thin air. In exchange for all at printed money, the Fed had purchased a bunch of assets, including about $2.4 trillion worth of US government bonds. This ranks the Fed as one of the top owners of US government debt, just behind the Social Security trust funds. In fact the US government owes more money to the Federal Reserve than to China, Japan, and Saudi Arabia combined.
Now, remember that interest rates were at historic lows during the time that the Fed was buying up all that US government debt. From the start of the financial crisis in September 2008 until the day the Fed’s balance sheet peaked in January 2015, the average yield on the 10-year US Treasury was about 2.6%. That’s close to where the 10-year yield is today; just last week it was 2.62%.
This is where things quickly get out of control.
If you don’t know anything about bonds, there’s just one important principle to understand: as interest rates go up, bond prices go down. Just like shares of Apple or Exxon, bonds are financial securities. Investors pay a certain price for bonds just like they pay a certain price for Apple stock. And just like stock prices, bond prices go up and down. Think about it like this: let’s say you own a government bond that pays $25 per year in interest. That $25 per year is set in stone. It’s a contract. And today, the market price for that bond is $1,000. So, in very simple terms, an investor is paying $1,000 for the bond’s $25 annual income stream. That works out to be a 2.5% annual return (not including maturity). At the moment, investors are happy to receive 2.5% because that’s the current rate across most of the market. But let’s say tomorrow the Federal Reserve jacks up interest rates to 10%. Everything changes. Investors can now make 10% just holding money in a bank account.
The bond you own, however, still pays $25 per year. That hasn’t changed. So if you want to sell it, you’ll have to slash the price; no investor will pay $1,000 to earn just 2.5% from the $25/year income stream. Investors can now get 10% elsewhere in the market.
So in order for your bond’s $25/year income stream to match the 10% return that a potential buyer can receive elsewhere, you’ll have to drop your price to just $250. In other words, the price of your bond has dropped 75%, from $1,000 to $250. This is an extreme and simplistic example, but it paints the picture: when interest rates rise, bond prices fall. So let’s go back to the Federal Reserve and its $2.4 trillion government bond portfolio. The Fed recently raised interest rates. And they claim they’ll continue to raise rates for the next 1-2 years. But as we discovered earlier, as the Fed raises rates, the value of their bonds will fall… and the Fed will suffer “unrealized losses”. This is a gigantic problem because the Fed can’t afford to suffer any losses. Since the start of the financial crisis, the Fed has whittled down its capital buffer to almost nothing-- right around $40 billion. This means that the Fed can only afford to lose $40 billion before going bust.
$40 billion might sound like a lot. But considering the Fed has $2.4 trillion in government bonds, and $4.5 trillion in total assets, $40 billion is nothing-- just 0.9% of the Fed’s total asset portfolio. So if bond prices fall by just 0.9%, i.e. interest rates go up just slightly, the Fed will be insolvent. This is already happening: as interest rates have risen, bond prices are starting to fall. And based on the Fed’s own data, they’re already sitting on $14.2 billion in net unrealized losses. So a big chunk of their tiny $40 billion capital buffer has already been wiped out. As interest rates continue to rise, the rest of that $40 billion will vanish, at which point the Fed will be completely bankrupt. And the US government, which itself is totally insolvent, won’t be in a position to bail them out. Look, I’m an optimist. I think these are exciting times and that there’s a ton of incredible opportunity around the world. But it would be seriously foolish to ignore the looming insolvency of the world’s most systematically important central bank.
Two words: Own gold.
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