"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" the priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who’s turned one year old. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different than the average one year olds. His bouncy castle was an actual castle, and the pony rides were on Camilla.
Special Forces Soldier Excited To Train Men Who Will Try To Kill Him In Five Years
UGANDA - Telling reporters that he “absolutely loves this job,” a Special Forces sergeant training Ugandan soldiers in tactics and marksmanship went on to say he’s really excited to be teaching guys things they will use against him in about five years.
“This is really the reason I joined Special Forces,” said Sgt. 1st Class Frank Bilton, who serves with 3rd Special Forces Group. “It wasn’t for direct action missions or high-speed stuff. It’s all about giving my future enemy an edge he can use against me.”
“It really makes it all worthwhile,” he added.
Over the past two weeks, Bilton and his Special Forces “A-Team” have been training the foreign soldiers on scouting and patrolling, defensive operations, marksmanship, and the best way to ambush opponents.
“This stuff will be helpful when they try a coup d’état in a couple years, you know? Really put all our hard work into practice,” Bilton told Duffel Blog. “But I’ll tell ya. It’s going to be exciting when we walk right into an ambush these guys are setting up. Should be pretty interesting.”
It’s not just boring tactics and military-style training either, Bilton says. The team has spent time engaging in cross-cultural sharing and teaching the Ugandan soldiers English as well, training that will come in handy in a firefight when they shout “asshole G.I.” in broken English and write propaganda letters for psychological warfare purposes.
“Seeing the look on these guys’ faces when they learn something new, when they realize they can eventually kill all of us with this training,” Bilton said. “It really makes me proud to be a green beret.”
Sarah was reading the newspaper, while her husband was engrossed watching the Red Sox game on TV.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for season tickets to Fenway!!"
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over!"
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Everything Is Wrong by Gavin McInnes
The last time I checked in with the perpetually outraged, they were angry because we were lighting off fireworks. Apparently, July 4th celebrations glorify war, or something. Around the same time, we had Anthony Cumia lose his job for “abhorrent” Tweets he sent out after being attacked. Five seconds ago, I checked in on them and it turns out Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s remarks about Rosie O’Donnell are “hate-filled.” Hasselbeck implied Rosie’s antimilitary comments are antimilitary and added that Rosie will retake control of The View.
I knew I’d find something offensive in the news quickly. Offended people are almost as common as apologies. In fact, it’s become a challenge to find something that isn’t offensive. I’m looking down at my feet right now and wondering if they’re offensive. My sneakers are white and they’re called Chuck Taylors. I don’t see anything controversial about the basketball player the shoes are named after, but Dave Chappelle did use the name to describe his parody of a clueless white anchorman. Phew. Shoes are not offensive. Not so fast!
“I don’t like helmet laws, but having a bad hairdo is being oppressed now? We didn’t learn that in school.”
When Nicolas Sarkozy banned the burqa, the feminist reaction was “How dare he?” To the left, multiculturalism trumps all other -isms, so if nonwhites insist that women walk around in black polyester bags all summer, all the girl power to them.
A not uncommon reaction when something like this happens is to say, “Well, we’re just as bad.” In this case it was the Daily Show drawing parallels between Muslim garb and high-heeled shoes. They’re just as sexist, all right? The fact that women wear them on girls’ night out, when they rent a karaoke room with the gals and no boys are allowed, is irrelevant. So is the part where we don’t cane or beat women who refuse to wear them. We just sigh. Chuck Taylors may not be racist but high heels are definitely sexist.
Looking down isn’t inoffensive. What about what’s right in front of me? I’m eating a BLT. Is the bacon offensive to Muslims? There are none near (thank God) so I think I’m OK. Food, however, is not. When it comes to political correctness violations, food is off the chain. Simply saying “fried chicken and watermelon” around a certain population in the United States is racist. When my band opened for Ice-T’s all-black group Body Count, they ordered copious amounts of KFC and I did my best not to notice.
Chick-fil-A is so homophobic that simply going there is a fierce slap in the face to gays. If you’ve done this and you feel bad about it, go to Burger King and cleanse your political palate with a gay Whopper.
I can’t think of a sexist food offhand, but I know sugary drinks, fast food, and salt are verboten to the left. Up until about a month ago, it wasn’t just offensive to have a giant sugary drink in New York, it was illegal.
My coworkers are watching the World Cup in the office. That’s safe, right? Not really. Sporting seems like such a perfect formula for meritocracy, so why mess with it? If we represented every gender, culture, and race on a basketball court, it would look like the Keystone Kops raiding a rave. The tall black guys would be the only ones scoring points as short, fat, bald, gay whites ran behind them coughing and wheezing.
That doesn’t mean we can’t open a jar of PC fart air into a ball court and ruin the game. Most recently team owner Donald Sterling offended people by telling his racist girlfriend she could continue to sleep with black guys as long as she didn’t rub it in his face, but that’s nothing. College kid politics are all over sports. You’re a racist if you use the ancient term “Chink in the armor” and you’re homophobic if you thought Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend was gratuitous. It’s sexist that there aren’t more women’s sports, and even affirmative action is rearing its ugly head.
In South Africa, affirmative action has leaked into rugby, so it’s possible my absurd basketball scenario above is slowly becoming less unthinkable.
The ship of “sports teams’ logos” sailed a long time ago. Chief Wahoo may be quietly phased out of the Cleveland Indians despite the fact that he is a fucking cartoon. Yes, his features are exaggerated. That’s what a cartoon is. Whether it’s the term “Redskins” or the cartoon logos that surround it, anything depicting Indians is offensive (mostly to rich whites). The Redskins are struggling to maintain their name because someone argued that a team could conceivably name themselves something negative. Is there a team called the Losers? It’s not like New York street gangs in the 1950s, when you’d have ironically intimidating gangs like the Cry Babies and the Momma’s Boys. These logos are meant to represent winners. The cartoons are meant to be inspiring, not demeaning. The Atlanta Braves face is laughing. Ever heard of enjoying life?
I always assumed comedy would remain safe. If you’re not funny, nobody wants to watch you on stage. If you’re funny, you could be a Satanist in a Hitler costume. If you listen to Raw Dog Comedy on Sirius radio it’s one of the last bastions of authentic multiculturalism. Being naturally funny is so incredibly rare, they can’t afford to pick and choose. You’ll have Godfrey talking about his clueless African dad right after hearing Bill Burr say motherhood is the easiest job in the world. Amy Schumer talks about having sex with teens and then Todd Glass describes being gay. If you’re funny, you’re funny, and everything else is secondary.
Sarah Silverman put up a good fight when PC started creeping in. When an activist accused her of racism for saying “Chink,” I remember her riffing on him going pee-pee in her Coke. When pressed for an apology she said the most disturbing thing about it was that Jews no longer control the media. That was well over 10 years ago. Today we have Joan Rivers being interrogated about her jokes on CNN until she has to walk off set. Stand-up comedians today get fined $15,000 for insulting hecklers. You can’t touch certain subjects and apologies have to follow everything that’s “too soon.” I still go to shows regularly and I’ve noticed the room often goes dead when race comes up. I’ve heard Dave Attell say stand-up is over and I’m inclined to agree.
While scratching my head just now I thought, what about my hair? Is that racist? While these follicles may rest mere millimeters from something arguably sexist, homophobic, and everythingist (I can’t vouch for what goes on in there) my hair has never been accused of being politically incorrect.
However, that doesn’t absolve hair. When the American army came out with guidelines for African American women’s hair, they were accused of creating standards that are “racially biased.”
Canada is often considered America’s hat and officials there recently came under fire for enforcing bicycle helmet laws. The rules are sexist because they give women a bad hair day. I don’t like helmet laws, but having a bad hairdo is being oppressed now? We didn’t learn that in school.
Education was burnt to a crisp a long time ago. When I was in college we were told it was OK to have an abortion up to a year after the baby was born. It’s a given that liberal arts has become about unlearning, and young people go deep into debt being taught the opposite of the truth.
What’s more consequential is their attack on STEM. When Harvard president Larry Summers refused to be outraged at women for not being interested in math and science, he lost his job. Anthropology is now almost exclusively about agenda, and it’s only a matter of time before we’re told one plus one does not equal two. The way they can keep upping the price while continually diluting the quality with bullshit is an art that should make most coke dealers jealous.
As I write this I’m listening to a Canadian band called Metz on Spotify. I have to use my wife’s Facebook login to listen to them because I got kicked off for not liking Neil deGrasse Tyson (that’s racist). As far as I can tell, Metz have never violated any PC laws. Like education, however, music overall has been on the offensive list since Elvis first shook his pelvis.
Music videos have been especially guilty recently, and even when Avril Lavigne lets her Japanese record label make a Japanese video using Japanese directors, we learn it enforces Japanese stereotypes. Katy Perry covered her dancers in bandages so nobody can see their faces and she gave them wigs. She’s still racist because they have big butts. Aren’t we at the point where you’re the racist for seeing this in the first place? Pop culture has become a Rorschach test where it’s now the guilty who are screaming the loudest about who’s guilty.
When I go home to get away from all this, I see my children playing with toys. I think we’re good. When I was young, Barbie gave girls unreasonable body expectations and He-Man was too macho or something. Today my daughter has an American Girl doll and my son is playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They are both benign but that doesn’t mean the kids couldn’t slip up at any moment. Bite a Pop-Tart into a gun or even point your fingers at a classmate and it’s all over. Seriously, my children are not allowed to make gun gestures at each other in school. That cuts out at least 73% of games, especially for boys. Cops and robbers has been replaced with DAs and lawyers, while cowboys and Indians is now settlers and settlers’ friends.
I would want my children to be sent home if they were wearing KKK gear. I’d also be apoplectic because it would mean someone else was sneaking into their school and dressing them. I’m wearing a dress shirt and khakis right now and my kids are dressed in normal kid clothes but that doesn’t mean clothes can’t violate PC rules. I can’t think of exactly how socks or a scarf could hurt someone’s feelings but I’m willing to accept it’s possible.
Outside of our Brooklyn apartment, kids are being told all kinds of T-shirts are out of bounds. An American flag shirt can get you sent home because clothes that were irrelevant even 10 years ago are now as incendiary as a white hood. Here in New York, wearing a T-shirt that depicts the Redskins, an American flag, anything remotely Republican, a cross, the phrase “pro-life,” a gun, or anything country music related is tantamount to brandishing a swastika. You either get Barack on your chest or keep it plain. This seems to be the ethos of the modern left: Support our cause or shut up.
In 1995, Moby put out an album entitled Everything is Wrong. I remember him saying the impetus for the title was that every time he looks into something, he finds immorality, and I remember thinking, what a remarkably eccentric way to see the world that is. Now it’s almost half the population. Will everyone become Moby? After going through pretty much everything around my desk, I was still having trouble finding anything that was safe from persecution. Furniture is rarely attacked, although there was a chair that was causing some problems for a while. If you try it yourself, you’re going to have to stay away from the big picture and get very small before you find things that are inoffensive. Car keys, wallets, and aglets are about the only things I could find that aren’t an issue.
Before you give up and move to Papua New Guinea, however, I want you to know that this is all good news. As I’ve said before, it’s proof that PC is over. When everything is racist, sexist, and homophobic, nothing is. If you think every single person in the world is an asshole and everybody’s nuts, you’re probably an insane asshole. They’ve spread themselves thinner than a cheap dental dam on an obese black lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But it’s pretty thin.
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