Now that I’m older, I realize the joke isn’t that Squidward hates his job, but that SpongeBob loves it.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, and sexual preference is completely acceptable.
Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if they’ve only successfully done it once.
I wonder if my cat thinks the delivery guy is my owner because he gives me food.
Whenever I hear the word “Egyptians” I never think of it referring to the people who currently live in Egypt.
I feel like a pimp taking my son around trick or treating, because I expect to get a percentage of that candy.
"Do you believe in life after death?" The Boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir." The new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the Boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
When my son was graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.
He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life. She is a shining example of parenthood and I love her more than words could ever do her justice."
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. Looking up and with a sly grin he said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."
The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has approved a claim from a veteran of the United States Civil War in one of its longest running cases to date.
Pvt. Horace Bottomsley, who served in the Chickamauga Campaign, first filed a claim in 1864 for a case of scurvy he caught the previous year, which he claims was brought on by the Union Army’s insufficient rations. According to Bottomsley, the standard diet of hardtack and grain liquor should have been supplemented by molasses and salt pork to provide essential nutrients.
VA Secretary David Shulkin says a backlog of claims from the Mexican-American War, among other factors, may have led to “slight delays” in processing Bottomsley’s claim.
“He submitted the original claim via telegraph to a local veterans home, which was almost approved in 1892,” said Shulkin. “But they switched from telegraph to telephone around that time, and unfortunately they fired everyone that knew how to translate Morse code, rather than retrain them to answer telephones.”
Bottomsley's claim will be paid out to his next-of-kin, his great-great-grandson and World War II veteran Jim Bottomsley, who fought in the Battle of the Bulge and has been waiting on his own claim to be approved since 1947.
“The VA can choke on my bulge,” said the younger Bottomsley, which was his only comment on the matter.
Shulkin says Bottomsley is entitled to receive his ancestor's backdated disability payments, which when adjusted for the 1863 pay scale amount to $14.07. He can also pick up a free six-month supply of vitamin-C supplements, which would have been able to treat his great-great-grandfather's scurvy had he not died during the Taft administration.
Some people want to be cryogenically frozen and then brought back in the future when their disease can be cured.
I want to be frozen now, while I'm still healthy, so I can be thawed out later when robot wives are cheap and effective.
Issue of the Times;
How Trump Can Save the Middle Class by Jerome Corsi
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Next week, on Friday, March 31, President Trump has a unique opportunity to do the right thing to benefit the middle class throughout America, for this generation as well as for future generations.
Next Friday, the Treasury Department is scheduled to make the next Net Worth Sweep, from the two government-backed mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
All President Trump must do is instruct Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchen to inform Federal Housing Agency Director Mel Watt that the Net Worth Sweep is finished.
If Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac do not make their sweep payment to the Treasury on March 31, the two mortgage giants can begin rebuilding their capital base which protects taxpayers from ever having to bail them out in case of an economic downturn.
In the same executive order that President Trump signs to end the Net Worth Sweep on March 31, he can also remove the “executive privilege” President Obama placed on some 11,000 documents the Obama administration fought desperately in the courts to keep the American people from seeing.
As Infowars.com has reported, the Obama administration confiscated all earnings from these two Government Sponsored Entities (GSEs) in an unlawful and unconstitutional criminal scheme that has stripped Fannie and Freddie of the capital needed to continue operating safely, while depriving all private and institutional investors of the dividends due to them as stockholder owners.
In what now amounts to the largest theft of corporate dividends in U.S. corporate history, the Obama administration Treasury Department has confiscated over $260 billion from Fannie and Freddie since August 2012.
Why did Obama steal $260 billion from Fannie and Freddie?
First, in 2012, Obamacare was at risk going bankrupt after Congress refused to appropriate funds to pay the required subsidies to insurance companies to provide the low-income health insurance upon which Obamacare depended.
This left the Obama administration scrambling to find a spare $130 billion somewhere in the federal budget that could be diverted to pay the insurance subsidies for that purpose, even though it was illegal and unconstitutional for the Obama administration to do so.
Second, as Infowars.com reported from leaked documents from Sec. Geithner’s Treasury Department, the Obama administration was prepared to “wind down” Freddie and Fannie, knowing that taking all earnings from the two mortgage giants inevitably would leave the GSEs without sufficient capital to operate.
This effectively would have ended the middle-class American Dream of home ownership because without Fannie and Freddie, no U.S. underwriter has been willing to offer the 30-year fixed-rate mortgage that millions of first-time home-buyers need to be able to both make the required down payment and afford the subsequent required monthly mortgage payments.
The leaked Treasury Department documents reveal that Sec. Geithner had planned that after Fannie and Freddie were closed, the mortgage market would be turned over to Wall Street and big banks – two of the Democratic Party’s largest sources of campaign contributions.
The result of the Obama plan would be to transform middle-class America from a nation of home owners to a “well-housed” nation of renters, on the model of major cities throughout the European Union.
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