The CEO of Apple says they will add new security alerts for iCloud users in two weeks. "As soon as they're done downloading the rest of those Jennifer Lawrence pictures."
Starbucks admits there is no actual pumpkin in its Pumpkin Spice Latte. I don't know about you, but I wasn't really counting on there being any actual frap in my Frappuccino.
Olive Garden is offering a Never-Ending Pasta Pass, where you can get all-you-can-eat pasta for 7 weeks for $100. Perfect for those Americans struggling to carbo load.
Dear Lord, I don't need to remember everything. Just what I changed my password to. Amen.
The new Apple Watch can track your movements to tell you how much you've exercised in a day. It's already given me the nickname, "Kushy job."
PRISTINA, KOSOVO — During a recent trip to visit U.S. troops in Iraq, Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Martin Dempsey was suddenly reminded of the U.S. military’s 15-year mission in Kosovo while glancing at a commercial on the American Forces Network.
“All of a sudden, this commercial aired on AFN, saying that KFOR [Kosovo Force] was ‘ready and relevant’ in the 21st Century. And I’m like ‘what the hell, we still have troops there?”
U.S. troops first arrived in Kosovo in 1999, when Bill Clinton was still president and the Spice Girls were still together. While it would be years before “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” would air on television, the American public was, fortunately, not required to express any interest in military action, as a major sex scandal rocked the Clinton White House the previous year.
“Kosovo? Man, I haven’t thought of that since, well, since Britney Spears still had her original tits!” Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno remarked, when asked about the enduring mission of U.S. troops in KFOR.
Kosovo was in the throes of a major humanitarian crisis in the late 1990s, following massive “ethnic cleansing” by the Serbian government and a NATO-led bombing campaign which culminated in a cease-fire. But the nearly 14-year-long Operation Enduring Clusterfuck in Iraq and Afghanistan that kicked off in late 2001 overshadowed the Kosovo mission, however.
That is not to say that Kosovo completely disappeared from public view. In 2013, Lt. Col. Andrew Stephens, a logistics officer in the 3rd Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, mentioned his sole deployment to Kosovo at every opportunity — and was frequently met with eye-rolling from veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan.
In 2012, soldiers from the Georgia National Guard made headlines when their entire company was evicted from Kosovo following a massive hazing ring.
“It appears they got pretty bored and resorted to hazing,” said one Army officer who spoke on condition of anonymity, although why he needed to be anonymous to discuss a mission no one gives a shit about was unclear. “I mean, it’s Kosovo, what else were they going to do?”
When queried about the activities of U.S. forces in KFOR, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel could only respond, “Basically, KFOR’s been spending the last 15 years making AFN commercials about how relevant they think they are.”
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Strange warnings on items.
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."
A 26,000-acre wildfire last year in Douglas County, Oregon, was traced to two men who were using power mowers despite restrictions on their use, due to extreme fire conditions. The fire took a month to extinguish. And, state law says, Dominic Decarlo, 70, and Cloyd Deardorff, 64, who have already paid minor fines for unlawful entry into a restricted forestland area, also have to reimburse the state for the firefighting costs, including firefighter salaries, helicopter and bulldozer time, and everything else involved in the effort.
How much? Despite a year of tallying, the state doesn’t know yet, says Jeff Bonebrake of the Oregon Dept. of Forestry. “We could get finalization in the next several weeks or a few more months.” But so far, the tally is more than $37 million. ...Plus interest.
Issue of the Times;
Thomas Jefferson to John Norvell
14 June 1807Works 10:417—18
To your request of my opinion of the manner in which a newspaper should be conducted, so as to be most useful, I should answer, "by restraining it to true facts & sound principles only." Yet I fear such a paper would find few subscribers. It is a melancholy truth, that a suppression of the press could not more compleatly deprive the nation of it's benefits, than is done by it's abandoned prostitution to falsehood. Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knolege with the lies of the day. I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens, who, reading newspapers, live & die in the belief, that they have known something of what has been passing in the world in their time; whereas the accounts they have read in newspapers are just as true a history of any other period of the world as of the present, except that the real names of the day are affixed to their fables. General facts may indeed be collected from them, such as that Europe is now at war, that Bonaparte has been a successful warrior, that he has subjected a great portion of Europe to his will, &c., &c.; but no details can be relied on. I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.
Perhaps an editor might begin a reformation in some such way as this. Divide his paper into 4 chapters, heading the 1st, Truths. 2d, Probabilities. 3d, Possibilities. 4th, Lies. The first chapter would be very short, as it would contain little more than authentic papers, and information from such sources as the editor would be willing to risk his own reputation for their truth. The 2d would contain what, from a mature consideration of all circumstances, his judgment should conclude to be probably true. This, however, should rather contain too little than too much. The 3d & 4th should be professedly for those readers who would rather have lies for their money than the blank paper they would occupy.
The Founders' Constitution
Volume 5, Amendment I (Speech and Press), Document 29
The University of Chicago Press
The Works of Thomas Jefferson. Collected and edited by Paul Leicester Ford. Federal Edition. 12 vols. New York and London: G. P. Putnam's Sons, 1904--5.
Quote of the Times;
There is no greater evil one can suffer that to hate reasonable discourse. – Plato
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