Further research shows that dogs want their owners to know, "I tried to tell you!"
Being a writer, I don't get out much. I tried writing at the beach once, but some big guy kicked sand into my laptop and now every time I hit a capital A (ouch), I get a shock. To this day, whenever I need to invoice someone I have to send my bill to the O-ccounting Department.
That's why I was so excited to receive my summons to jury duty--I was needed! So I jumped right up, shut off my computer, called my editor and ran out the door. Then, of course, I went back in to change out of my Dave Barry pajamas, before heading off to municipal court.
It's an interesting concept--trial by a jury of one's peers. Except for the time they tried the guy for painting his tires completely white so the meter maid's whacking stick wouldn't show, I never seem to have much in common with the defendants. But I guess the idea is that anyone can be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Like today's case-a young man found at three in the morning, behind Circuit City, holding two VCRs, a boom box, and a large screen TV. Apparently, his escape was thwarted by an alert employee, who wouldn't let him leave the parking lot without purchasing an extended warrantee.
I took a seat in the back of the courtroom and listened as they called the first twelve names--including mine. Proudly, I walked toward the jury box, stealing a glance at my accused peer. He was wearing a white shirt and red tie, which contrasted nicely with the blue facial tattoos and the silver chain that ran from nose to his eyebrow, to his ear, and then connected to his wallet.
The judge began by asking everyone to state their marital status and occupation. There was a physicist, a molecular biologist, several teachers, some engineers and then, right before me, a writer. But not just any writer, a published novelist, produced screenwriter and award-winning journalist. Off in the distance, I heard a voice...
"Huh?" The judge cleared his throat.
"Your occupation, Mr. Witham?"
"I err... that is... brain surgeon ."
"You're a brain surgeon?"
"Ahh almost. I'm still in training."
"No. Home correspondence."
"I see." He sounded skeptical, but he moved on. "Does any member of the jury have any connection to the defendant or any of the principals in the case?"
Dutifully, I raised my hand.
"Yes, Mr. Witham?"
"I once dated a woman with the same last name as the defense attorney." "Her name is Smith."
"Thought I'd better mention it."
"Right." He took a deep breath, then he told us how important we were to the judicial system and the entire free world, therefore we would be receiving five dollars a day for our efforts. I was elated. That was twice what I was making as a writer.
Once again the judge cleared his throat. "Now, before we begin, is there anyone here today who has worked in law enforcement or has had any confrontations with law enforcement?"
Again, I raised my hand high.
"Mr. Witham." "I used to be a crossing guard at Harvard Street Elementary School."
"Thank you, Mr. Witham..."
"I should also mention that I recently had a run-in with an usher who caught me bringing in my own popcorn."
"Thank you, Mr. Witham..."
"And then there was that ugly incident with the museum tour guide. Like something that old wouldn't have broken soon anyway."
"Thank you, Mr. Witham..."
"She sure could run fast, though, for a woman wearing high heels."
"Have you ever served on a jury before?"
"Well, I've been called a number of times. And I usually get this far, but for some reason I never get to stay."
"That, I believe, Mr. Witham. You are dismissed."
I sighed, stepped down, and headed for the door. Then I stopped.
"Will I still be getting the five dollars?" I asked.
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "the egg timer's broken"!
Five Unnecessary Product Descriptions:
Single-use Toilet Paper
White powdered sugar
Gluten-free non-GMO water
Quote of the Times;
There seems to be this idea floating around out there that “unity” just means we all hold hands and dance in a big circle, like hippies at Woodstock. Notably; those complaining the most seem to have actually been at Woodstock at one point.
Link of the Times;
Issue of the Times;
Can't America have a little self-respect on immigration? by Ann Coulter
Couldn’t America have a little self-respect? Japan, Denmark and Israel do.
Year after year, for decades, America has accepted more refugees than the rest of the world combined. No country we admire does anything close to this.
Score one for Donald Trump: In 2017, after he became president, our refugee admissions finally dipped slightly below “more than every other country in the world combined.” Go USA!
These aren’t immigrants the host country specifically wanted. We’re not saying, "You know, this country could use some people who know how to restore 17th-century woodwork" or "Wow, this guy and his wife are both neurosurgeons!" Refugee admissions to America are so reckless that this country has taken in Iraqis who deployed IEDs against our own troops and, in at least one case, one of the perpetrators — not victims — of the Rwandan genocide.
The idea of humanitarian immigration is that people are being persecuted in their own countries and must immediately seek safety elsewhere. Naturally, therefore, most nations accept refugees from their area of the world. The transport is shorter, the climate and culture are similar, and it will be easier for them to go home once conditions improve.
Since the civil war in Syria, for example, millions of Syrians have sought refugee status abroad. The majority resettled nearby, in the Middle East and North Africa. About 20 percent headed for Europe’s generous welfare states.
But the U.S. also took in Syrian refugees — more than 21,000 of them.
Why did we take any? We’re two oceans away! "Help me! Help me! Just get me anyplace but here — actually, I think I’d like to go to Los Angeles. I want a house like in 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air."
How about this? The U.S. will admit as many Syrian refugees as France takes in Central American asylum-seekers. Why is it unthinkable to send Central Americans to France but perfectly logical for Eastern Europeans, Middle Easterners, Asians and Africans to resettle in the USA?
Japan is closer to Syria than America is. Guess how many Syrian refugees Japan has granted asylum? Twelve. Not 12,000. Twelve.
In fact, Japan barely allows in any immigrants at all. Less than 2 percent of Japan’s population is foreign-born — and most of those are Chinese and Koreans.
No one denounces Japan for “racism.” To the contrary, Business Insider rushed to explain that Japan had reasons for refusing refugees that are more “complex” than they appear. (Not really.)
The New York Times explained Japan’s highly restrictive immigration policies as proceeding from “a desire to preserve their culture, a goal echoed by some conservative groups in the United States.” (Duh.)
And National Geographic clarified that Japan’s policy was simply a matter of the Japanese preferring “a racially unique and homogenous society.”
Luckily for the Japanese, they aren’t white, so this utterly logical, natural position on immigration didn’t trigger “white nationalist” alarm bells in our mainstream media.
Denmark is white! That happy, homogenous country is hailed by American liberals such as Bernie Sanders as a socialist paradise. Of course, the precise reason Denmark has been able to maintain those munificent social welfare programs is that it shut the door to immigrants with low “integration potential.”
For nearly a decade, the “integration potential” test effectively operated as a Muslim ban — long before the Muslim ban was a twinkle in Trump’s eye. Eventually, Denmark dropped the “integration potential” — and soon thereafter suspended its participation in the United Nations refugee resettlement quota program (apparently after noticing that it was a country and not a subdivision of an international debating society).
To be extra sure their prelapsarian society would not be disrupted, during the migrant crisis of 2015, Denmark suspended railroad service from Germany. Government services for refugees were cut back, and an incentive was offered to those who learned Danish. Indeed, a law was passed allowing authorities to seize cash and valuables from refugees to help defray the costs of their resettlement.
In addition to the gushing tributes from American liberals, Denmark routinely ranks as the No. 1 or No. 2 “happiest country.”
Another country with a basic sense of self-respect is Israel. Syria is in Israel’s backyard. Guess how many Syrian refugees Israel took? Zero.
A few years ago, more than 20,000 Eritreans and Sudanese fled to Israel seeking asylum — they just wanted a better life! Israel initially granted refugee status to a grand total of seven Eritreans and two Sudanese. The rest were put directly into detention camps and given a choice: stay locked up or leave. Israel closed the camps in 2018 after accepting thousands with conditions and deporting others to third countries or their homelands. Maybe Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) should have gone to cry at those camps.
The Israelis, who seem to be fairly competent at running their own affairs, also built a fence — 15 feet high — along their entire 150-mile southern border. In year one, illegal immigration was reduced by 99.8 percent. After a few more wall enhancements, the number of illegal immigrants crossing Israel’s southern border was cut to — let’s see, checking my notes … ZERO.
Why doesn’t House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) tell Israel that a wall is “immoral” and “ineffective”?
Our country is being inundated with 100,000 Latin Americans every month. That’s in addition to the thousands of refugees being admitted each month from the rest of the world.
Did we vote for this? I’m fairly certain we did not. In fact, as I recall, Americans have voted for the exact opposite every time they’ve been given the chance to vote on immigration. We even chose an utterly implausible individual as president of the United States — because he was a developer and he said he’d build a wall.
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