Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna off myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work.
I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said
Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase: "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead.”
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
To which Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me. . .”
Short, Creepy Stories That Will Scare The Crap Out Of You…
Pretending to be asleep doesn’t work
A young boy is sleeping in his bed on a usual night. He hears footsteps outside his door, and peeks out of his eyes to see what is happening. His door swings open quietly to reveal a murderer carrying the corpses of his parents. After silently propping them up on a chair, he writes something on the wall in the blood of the dead bodies. He then hides under the childs bed.
The child is scared beyond belief. He can’t read the writing on the wall and he knows the man is under his bed. Like any child, he pretends that he slept through the whole thing and hasn’t awoken yet. He lays still as the bodies, quietly hearing the breathes from under his bed.
An hour passes, and his eyes are adjusting more and more to the darkness. He tries to make out the words, but it’s a struggle. He gasps when he finally makes out the sentence.
“I know you’re awake”. He feels something shift underneath his bed.
What’s in the basement?
Mommy told me never to go in the basement, but I wanted to see what was making that noise. It kind of sounded like a puppy, and I wanted to see the puppy, so I opened the basement door and tiptoed down a bit. I didn’t see a puppy, and then Mommy yanked me out of the basement and yelled at me. Mommy had never yelled at me before, and it made me sad and I cried. Then Mommy told me never to go into the basement again, and she gave me a cookie. That made me feel better, so I didn’t ask her why the boy in the basement was making noises like a puppy, or why he had no hands or feet.
All I saw was red
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. “But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don’t even peek in there.” I take key and go to room to sleep. Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red. Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. “By the way who is in that room?” She look at me and begin to tell story. There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.
Solo camping trip
A woman survivalist and trained outdoors guide who loves to go solo camping. Returns home after 2 weeks of being in the bush and not seeing a single soul. Develops her disposable camera film to find a roll of film with numerous pictures of her sleeping at night, on different nights. She has never gone camping or hiking since.
This isn’t a story
This is me. I’m here. I’m shifting the words that you’re reading, altering them from whatever this person wrote.
I’ve been here for a while. For as long as you can remember, anyway. Sometimes I say your name as you’re falling asleep, or whisper urgently in your ear. Do you remember the time that I screamed, throwing panic through you and setting your heart racing?
That was fun.
You’re wondering who I am. That’s only natural. Of course, you already know.
I’m you. I’m the real you. I’m the mind that existed here before you stole my body, before you forgot about being a parasite. I’m the child who looked the wrong way, asked the wrong question, saw the wrong thing… but I’m not so little any more.
You may have forgotten me, but I’m still here. I’ve always been here.
I’m going to get out.
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'
Issue of the Times;
You Believe What You Want to Believe by Gavin McInnes
I was walking through the Fox News building a while ago and a producer introduced me to a young black man by saying, “This is the engineer you’ll be working with tonight.” We shook hands and the engineer said, “I know who you are. Look, I want you to know, I don’t agree with all your beliefs but I respect you for speaking your mind.” I said “Thanks” because we were in a hurry but what I really wanted to say was, “What beliefs? I’m not a Scientologist. I don’t really have ‘beliefs.’ I have opinions based on the information provided. If you have data that contradicts that opinion, well, let’s get busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time!”
I’d love to change my mind about something. That’s called learning. My views aren’t radical. They’re benign. I just want people to be happy and free and live full lives that are liberated from bullshit. It’s everyone else who’s radical. For example, I think …
Four men from North Carolina State University decided to take a break from oppressing women and invented a nail polish that can detect the rape drug Rohypnol. Unfortunately, feminists have decided this is stupid because we should focus on teaching men not to rape instead.
I went through this same logic on Hannity when I suggested you should worry more about your daughter attending Spring Break than your son. “They have different genitalia,” I was forced to explain.
Of course we should tell men rape is bad. We do. We throw them in jail. That doesn’t mean there won’t always be mentally deranged sociopaths buying rape drugs. The utopian feminist can talk about Eden all she wants. Here on earth, we’d like to prevent some rapes from happening.
BLACK LIVES MATTER
No matter what the true story is with Michael Brown, it was an anomaly. Young, black murder victims are almost always shot by young, black criminals. If you want to help prevent this, read More Guns, Less Crime.
The gun control lobby seems to be predicated on the opposite belief. They spend billions promoting Hitler-esque laws that prevent pretty much anyone decent from being armed. Here in NYC, getting a handgun legally is virtually impossible but I know of at least two guys who will sell me one illegally for $500. You can’t get paintball guns here but we still have almost a murder a day because only bad guys have guns.
I think it would be cool to have a gun in the city, but you know who really needs one? The old lady in the ghetto walking home from work and the blue-collar father who can’t afford to leave a sketchy neighborhood. Gangsters will always be killing each other, but innocent people can only protect themselves sometimes.
Similarly, stop-and-frisk sounds like innocent black dudes getting harassed. It actually disproportionately stops whites but whatever. The big picture here is it makes poor black areas safer.
Once again, I like the sound of the gun control advocates’ utopia, where nobody gets murdered and innocent people are never harassed, but it leads to more deaths than a pro-gun stance.
THE POOR DESERVE AN EDUCATION
We tried giving teachers four months off a year and paying them almost $60 an hour to leave at 3:20 but it didn’t work. Test scores haven’t budged in half a century. I blame the teachers’ ironclad contracts that the overfed unions created. We’re told it’s systemic and “not one change” is going to fix it, but charter schools did. They followed the market and made it possible to fire teachers and now the schools are thriving, especially for poor black kids. You can keep flogging the dead horse of public schools, but I think kids in Harlem deserve an education, don’t you?
THE POOR DESERVE JOBS, TOO
Tap water has been flammable since way before fracking existed, but this naturally occurring reaction has caused an overreaction that’s cost millions of jobs. Obama did the same thing when he stonewalled on the Keystone pipeline. Are all these moves being made so we can prolong this war in the Middle East? I thought war and unemployment were bad things.
Also, mass immigration isn’t about allowing Mexicans the same prosperity we derived from Ellis Island. It’s about making rich white guys in both countries wealthier. It devastates the Mexican towns these workers come from and it kills the American towns these workers go to. Liberals tell us we need to raise the minimum wage while encouraging a border policy that is pricing the American poor out of the market, especially working-class blacks in California. The more I learn about liberal policy, the more it sounds like a war on black America.
WE MUST PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT
When you tell a farmer he can lose his land if a rare owl is spotted on it, you get solutions like “Shoot, Shovel, and Shut Up.” When you privatize game and make it profitable to preserve, you end up with situations like Zimbabwe where their entire wildlife went from skinny elephant carcasses to roaring lions going “Hell, yeah!”
The free market handles environmental protection on its own. Sure, China is making a mess of it right now, but so did we when we were at that stage. Then we fixed it. And it wasn’t the EPA’s annoying laws. Their budget has no effect on our air quality. If you really care about Mother Nature, you’ll make her profitable. As Greenpeace cofounder Dr. Patrick Moore says, “by buying wood you are … sending a signal into the market to plant more trees.”
EVEN POOR KIDS DESERVE DADS
When looking at a map of single-parent families and comparing it to murders, you can’t help but notice that more dads = less murder. The left’s view of feeding our nation’s poor with food stamps and helping out some impoverished, single mom who’s down on her luck sounds good. However, what accidentally happened is we’ve rewarded women for choosing single motherhood. Welfare culture has created a culture where dads are redundant and this has been especially hard on the black and Hispanic communities.
I got in trouble for saying food stamps get abused and our poor are now obese, but “freeloading doesn’t help the freeloaders,” as Stossel put it. Welfare has been bad for the poor since FDR rammed the “New Deal” down their throats, and it has made the black dad obsolete. Once again, the liberal stance kills innocent people with kindness.
WOMEN SHOULDN’T BE MISERABLE
While trying to prove women are just as good as men, feminists actually fell into “women are men.” They’re just as strong and have all the same proclivities and want to be a mom just as much as men do. The result is a “roll call of regrets” where women with expired ovaries have come to the realization that not selling out and never giving in has left them unable to enjoy motherhood, the best and most defining part of being a woman.
With friends like liberals, who needs enemies?
WOMEN SHOULDN’T BE EXTERMINATED, EITHER
Speaking of women being oppressed by feminists, how did the abortion debate become a feminist cause? About half the women in America are pro-life and they deserve to be heard. Also, as I’ve said many times before, abortion is leaning toward a gender-based decision, and that usually goes badly for the females. Call me sexist but I don’t like the idea of millions of women’s beliefs being ignored while we support a procedure that promotes female genocide.
HATE IS WRONG
As patriotism falls out of fashion, fascism has moved in to fill the void. The Boston Bombers were radicalized in the West. So was the kid who decapitated James Foley. In the name of tolerance we are allowing terrorist training camps on our own soil. I’m all for free speech but this is like having a Hitler Youth Camp on American soil in 1943. Radical Islam sees women as second-class citizens, hates gays, is totally opposed to democracy, and wants to kill us. Tolerating this isn’t multiculturalism. It’s treason.
THE DARK AGES WERE PRETTY DARK
So, let me get this straight: we all stood on the same starting line 40,000 years ago, and despite covering the globe and having totally different experiences, we’ve all arrived at the finish line at the exact same time, huh? Just because you admit the West is the best doesn’t mean you want to obliterate other cultures. I love a large variety of restaurants as much as the next guy, but how about we discourage immigrants from importing stuff like animal sacrifice, honor killings, female circumcision, rape, pedophilia, human trafficking … you know, stuff like that?
College professors say it ain’t so but I have eyeballs and ear holes. I know the difference between races. My wife and kids are Ho-Chunk Indians. They’ve all had DNA tests to prove it and if they scored below 25% Indian, they wouldn’t be in the tribe.
The scariest part of recognizing race is the spooky taboo of race and IQ. I don’t get the fear about all this well-documented data. We’re talking about millions upon millions of people with hundreds of thousands of exceptions. It’s helpful when talking about policies like, “Do we need affirmative action for Asians in science or short, white guys in basketball?” Spending lots of money on either of these ideas would be a waste of time but for totally different reasons. As far as the individual goes, the data are irrelevant because you have to assume you are dealing with an exception. The beauty of the libertarian stance on this is that it doesn’t matter. We don’t demand that the government enforce equal representation for every group in every field and we don’t tell people who they have to hang out with. It’s all up to the individual. Besides, who cares if your group didn’t win the test? My family tree looks like a dead witch’s hair dipped in a puddle of whiskey but I don’t care. They’re not me.
GOD EXISTS TOO
I’m cool with the big bang and evolution; I just think an omnipotent force set it all in motion. I was raised as an atheist and recently converted to Catholicism but I don’t understand why that’s anyone’s business. Why is Christianity the only religion that needs an autopsy every five seconds? Nobody asks the Native American Church about dinosaurs. Nobody needs to know what the Buddhists in Taiwan think about abortion. America was founded on Christianity but instead of reverence we get a To Kill a Mockingbird trial for every page of the Bible.
WAR IS BAD
It’s not always the progressives murdering people with their beliefs. The right got some things wrong too. Legalizing drugs will surely lead to a slew of problems but they won’t hold a marijuana-scented candle to the all-out slaughter we have now. We tried prohibition. It only leads to more crime.
THE JEWS ARE ALL RIGHT
I don’t really have an opinion about “the Jewish problem.” I’ve heard they’re overrepresented in finance and media but there’s also a disproportionate number of them in medicine.
I’m told they were the cultural Marxists behind PC, but when you hear college kids defending Palestine and even Hamas today, you realize the movement was hijacked by anti-Semitism long ago.
I haven’t heard any strong Jewish consensus on anything so I’m not buying that they are some kind of manipulative force behind the scenes. Some of the most anti-Zionist writing you’ll read anywhere is in the Israeli papers. Sure, it was funny when Gary Oldman was forced to apologize for saying Jews can force actors to apologize, but is it affecting my movie watching experience? Nope. Whatever scary stuff old guys can tell us about “the Jews” dried up and blew away long ago.
I DON’T KNOW IT ALL
There are plenty of other things that I don’t have enough information on to give a solid opinion about. I find the health care debate totally overwhelming. Has ANYONE read that 906-page bill? We’re already paying for free ER visits and the obesity epidemic is destroying our facilities, but this government can barely renew my driver’s license. I dread giving it that much power.
Similarly, I’m an isolationist libertarian by nature, but I’ve argued with John Bolton about this and he swept the floor with me. Israel gives me a headache and sometimes I just wish they would all fuck off and leave us alone.
The only thing I refuse to believe is that anyone should be deprived of the right to have his own opinions. It took a lot of blood and guts to get us to this level of freedom, and shutting down discussions or having an unshakable belief system about politics is downright un-American. The facts don’t change. It’s the teams who change and today’s liberals look a lot like yesterday’s fascists. The villains we assume are out to get us are often just the ones who are brave enough to do what’s right even when it looks wrong. Sometimes good guys don’t wear white.
Quote of the Times;
"Intelligence agencies keep things secret because they often violate the rule of law or of good behavior." - Assange
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