Now that I’m older, I realize the joke isn’t that Squidward hates his job, but that SpongeBob loves it.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, and sexual preference is completely acceptable.
Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if they’ve only successfully done it once.
I wonder if my cat thinks the delivery guy is my owner because he gives me food.
Whenever I hear the word “Egyptians” I never think of it referring to the people who currently live in Egypt.
I feel like a pimp taking my son around trick or treating, because I expect to get a percentage of that candy.
A Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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