What's the most Offensive word you can call a Jew?
Henry is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "John, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on
the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away, never knowing the extent of his
property holdings, and as Henry slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith,
your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated
all this wealth".
Sarah replies, Wealth? .... Wealth!
He has a paper route!"
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
"Well... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one
of the things I enjoy most is converting scotch, wine and whiskey into
urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it
every day and I really enjoy it."
In 249 AD Julian, a native of Cilicia as we are informed by St. Chrysostom, was seized upon for being a Christian. He was put into a leather bag, together with a number of serpents and scorpions, and in that condition thrown into the sea.
All I can think of is the poor the office worker who was told, "Yeah... I'm gonna need you to get me a leather bag big enough to throw Julian in, and also a bunch of poisonous serpents and scorpions. And I need them in an hour. Oh, and I am gonna need you to work this weekend too. K."
A professor at Brown University says the drinking age in the U.S. should be lowered to 8 years old.
That'll sure make 3rd grade easier.
Issue of the Times;
The Fall of the Wall Almost Started WWIII by Eric Margolis
Twenty-five years ago this week, the Soviet empire in Eastern Europe was collapsing. The Berlin Wall had been breached. The Communist East German government was literally swept away by the storm tide of history.
A poll says the average American's work week is now between 47 and 60 hours. As you know, it would be a lot less without Facebook.
Jean-Claude van Damme’s Most Outrageous Quotes
Is there a Hollywood actor more a caricature of himself? And yet JCVD remains one of the most real, fiercest action heroes in cinema history. You may also know him as a guy who won a court case due to an earthquake, and that he's trained in classical ballet, but you probably don't think of the Muscles from Brussels as one of the most quotable actors to ever live. In fact, in response to his own nickname he said, "It's better than being called the idiot from Brussels." He once was said to have remarked, "You don't need a flash to photograph a rabbit that already has red eyes."
Who's to say if all of these quotes can be attributed directly to JCVD? It may just be legend. Well, call us dreamers, but we—like the rest of the Internet, and Roger Ebert—like to believe they all originated from the man himself.
1. "If you phone a psychic and she doesn't answer the phone before it rings, hang up."
2. "Showing myself nude from behind doesn't pose any problems, but from the front that's another story. I don't want to lose all my fans!"
3. "When I walk across my living room from my chimney to my window, it takes me 10 seconds, but for a bird it takes one second, and for oxygen zero seconds!"
4. "God gave me a great body and it's my duty to take care of my physical temple."
5. “Obviously I've taken drugs.”
6. “I am fascinated by air. If you remove the air from the sky, all the birds would fall to the ground. And all the planes, too.”
7. "I am the Fred Astaire of karate."
8. "Air is beautiful, yet you cannot see it. It's soft, yet you cannot touch it. Air is a little like my brain.”
9. "My body looks like 30 but my face looks like 50. But I cannot walk bare-chested in the streets."
10. "In the year 3,000, people are going to speak with sound waves. Don't think I'm crazy, the whales do it. Dolphins too."
11. “My last fight was more than 20 years ago. I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. If somebody's going to speak bad about me, I will walk away. But if a guy like Steven Seagal slaps me once, I will slap him twice as hard. Life is full of violence."
12. "I now truly believe it is impossible for me to make a bad movie."
13. "If you work with a jackhammer during an earthquake, stop, otherwise you are working for nothing."
14. "What is a movie star? It is an illusion. It was everything I ever wanted to be, but it became a kind of shell, non?"
15. "A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs. And in eggs there's the potential for life."
16. "According to statistics, one person out of five is disturbed. If there are four people around you who seem normal, that's not good."
17. "I'm one of the most sensitive human beings on Earth—and I know it."
In an effort to stop thieves from stealing naked photos from the cloud, I just posted mine up there. That'll teach 'em.
By the way, Apple's next big announcement that will make you regret buying a new phone last year is next Tuesday.
A British company is developing small computer chips that can store music in women's breasts.
This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Issue of the Times;
The Most Important Election You Haven’t Heard Of by Jason Scheurer
In less than three weeks, the most important election of the year will take place in Switzerland, and you haven’t heard of it. While the U.S. focuses on the recent Republican victory, the financial markets are facing an earth-shaking event on November 30th. This Swiss election seeks to challenge the paper currency (Fiat/Debt) system of the last forty years and possibly undermine the existing power structures of central banks across the globe by introducing the “Save Our Swiss Gold” initiative.