There was a lady sitting on a bench when an old man came over to sit down.
He moved over to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
She said "Yes".
Then he replied, "Then you know what I’m hereafter."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Sometimes I get stuck in the future. Just a few minutes ago I was thinking of how 120 years ago was 1905.
Reddit is like a dad at a kids birthday party, I’m watching everyone else have fun and not really understanding what's going on.
If deaf children fail to develop language after not being able to hear early in life, I wonder what abilities humans don't have because we haven't been exposed to them in infancy.
Someone, somewhere, is boycotting a product because it has they heard it has Dihydrogen Monoxide in it.
Men have sex with who they can and woman with who they want, but men marry who they want and woman marry who they can.
Asexual organisms can literally go fuck themselves.
Rich, young princes of Arab royal families are like thousands of Muslim Justin Biebers with diplomatic immunity.
Why the hell is there a sofa and a lamp in front of a fountain outdoors in the Friends theme song.
Every valuable and expensive new item that you own will eventually be some crap at a thrift store that nobody wants to buy.
I wonder how much interesting shit we've missed before the era of camera phones.
Spoons Are Small Bowls On A Stick.
Underwear are kind of like socks for your butt.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
Fort Hood Achieves Record-High 1½ Star Yelp Score
FORT HOOD, Texas — Leaders at the Fort Hood military base in Texas are hailing the 50 percent improvement to their Yelp page that has brought their rating up to 1½ stars, sources confirmed this morning.
“They’ve really turned this place around,” said Spc. Tara Stevens, admitting she recently amended her Yelp review of the base to 3-stars from an initial assessment of 1-star. “I work for the Base Services Group and we’re getting a lot fewer work orders to clean up fluid and bullet holes in ceilings.”
Single star ratings are typically reserved for restaurants from which every customer gets diarrhea, beauty salons that cater exclusively to street prostitutes, or martial arts studios that molest their younger clients, according to sources at Yelp. But ‘The Great Place,’ as it is referred to by general staff and a handful of billboards, is finally living up to its name.
“Yeah, I gave Fort Hood a pretty good review, I think. They said I could have my stapler back if I gave it a good review. But I didn’t get it back. And then they took away my computer so I can’t change it,” Sgt. Adam Norris, a soldier who’s been posted at Ft. Hood for the entirety of his 13-year career with the Army, told reporters.
“Cutting off the internet to North Ft. Hood [a deployment mobilization center] has really helped,” Command Sgt. Maj Patrick Williams explained. “We had an infantry battalion there for 63 days getting trained up for Afghanistan by truck drivers from First Army. That almost knocked us back down to 1 star. Fortunately, a lot of the reviews were removed due to Yelp’s rules on obscenity and hate speech.”
“I don’t know what isn’t to love,” Williams continued. “There have been a lot fewer murders in Killeen. And we have a Chile’s now.”
Sources confirmed a series of mandatory Change of Yelp Review Ceremonies have been scheduled by leadership across the post to commemorate the occasion.
Issue of the Times;
If Black Lives Matter, Blacks Need To Stop Killing Each Other
The biggest violent threat to African-American communities is
neither the “white” police (for example, the Baltimore officer
allegedly most responsible for Freddie Gray’s death was black)
nor white people in general. It is blacks themselves. Of all the
blacks killed in the United States over the last 35 years, only a
fraction have been killed by law enforcement and a small minority
by the broader white population.
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