Whirlpool is selling a "smart" washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet…
where, ironically, most people put their dirty laundry.
I wonder how much money the average pirate would save on his dry cleaning if he'd just leave that parrot home once in a while?
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
Keith walks into a bar.
Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man called Pete then enters the bar.
He too slips in the same pile of shit, falls over, gets up, cleans up and then goes and buys a drink.
Little Keith turns to Big Pete and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
So, Big Pete punches Keith in the mouth.
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back.
While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was ploughed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks ploughed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plough."
Issue of the Times;
The Titanic Coverup Unravels by Christopher Condon
Gerhard Wisnewski is a German writer of non-fiction books and articles. He writes in the German language and his books are widely read in the German-speaking countries. He has written a number of successful books, many of them dealing with what are popularly termed conspiracy theories. One of his recent books, entitled Das Titanic Attentat (“The Titanic Murder”), is about the sinking of the Titanic in April, 1912. Unlike some of his books, it is not available in English translation but is definitely worth reading if you know German.
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Katy Perry has offered to write a theme song for Hillary Clinton if she runs for President in 2016.
The tough part: finding a word that rhymes with Benghazi.
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
Many say illegal immigration is a major issue in Texas.
Well, at least, Doctors Without Borders can stay home this year.
Issue of the Times;
The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think
It is now one hundred years since drugs were first banned -- and all through this long century of waging war on drugs, we have been told a story about addiction by our teachers and by our governments. This story is so deeply ingrained in our minds that we take it for granted. It seems obvious. It seems manifestly true. Until I set off three and a half years ago on a 30,000-mile journey for my new book, Chasing The Scream: The First And Last Days of the War on Drugs, to figure out what is really driving the drug war, I believed it too. But what I learned on the road is that almost everything we have been told about addiction is wrong -- and there is a very different story waiting for us, if only we are ready to hear it. If we truly absorb this new story, we will have to change a lot more than the drug war. We will have to change ourselves.